"Not Married, Not Single"

     While reading the latest issue of Essence magazine (the one with Tyler Perry on the cover..he takes such nice pictures...anyway) I came across an intriguing article. The title snatched my attention right away, "Not Married, Not Single." and as soon as i read it...I was like, "what's up with that? what does that even mean?" So I began the article and the more I read the more my eyes started to widen with disbelief. The author, Kevin Noble Maillard, a professor of law at Syracuse University,   explains how "it's time to rethink what makes a committed relationship and a happy family". He expresses that he is in a committed relationship with a woman, they have lived together for years and are raising a child together, but have no plans now or anytime in the future to get married. He says that according to society his child is "illegitimate". He goes on to say that "my girlfriend and I don't have the piece of paper that makes the world recognize our relationship as stable or permanent. But so what? Being unmarried doesn't mean being alone...we don't need a license from the state to prove our commitment or to gain respect". He then states "I want living together to be taken seriously, and I want ways other than a wedding to 'seal the deal'". He goes on to say "many books claim that marriage improves our lives and make us better people. We'd all like to have a Tinker Bell wave her wand and give us more money, make us happier and make our children smarter, but it's not going to come automatically from jumping brooms and tossing garters". One of his quotes that really caused me to ponder was " marriage will not bring fathers home anymore than fatherhood brings about marriage." He also believes that "unmarried people have fruitful relationships and strong families, but society always wants something more from us...we want our families to feel empowered, included and valued". Finally, his main point for the whole article was that "we should celebrate the families that exist before us rather than reprimand people for 'shacking  up'".
        I am married, so you would think my opinion on this matter would be obvious, but not necessarily. While I do indeed disagree with the author, don't expect every married person to automatically disagree. Some people believe that just because something works for them doesn't mean it works for everyone else...namely marriage. I agree with that also...marriage isn't for everyone. The confusion comes when someone says "marriage isn't for me", yet they live with their partner, have sex, have kids, buy a house, drive each other's cars, use each other as emergency contacts, include each other on their health insurance and name each other as the beneficiary on life insurance policies.. They do all of that but refuse to be apart of an institution that believes in the very same things. Could it be a blatant rebellion against social conformity? When did marriage become more of a social obligation rather than a divine and sacred commitment? Has our generation downgraded the true meaning of marriage?
What do you think? Share your comments and opinions.

God's Humor!

OverFixed Budget

     Unless you got married in your late 30's with 10 years of savings, a young millionaire or you married a millionaire...you and your spouse have probably planned out a budget. You think you are so organized, setting aside this amount for groceries, making sure your cable and electricity bills are pinned down, OH! and don't forget car payments insurance. Wow... I almost forget RENT or mortgage, which ever one applies to you, its due every month. So your budget is set and fixed. But I'm wondering if it's too tight? Did you both agree on the parameters of the budget? Did you think the grocery amount should have been higher, yet hubby thinks it's just enough for the two of you? It is so important that you both agree or at least come to some sort of compromise on the details of the budget. Make sure there is a good reason behind why you chose a certain amount. Don't just say $600 for groceries a month just because you want it that way. Be certain that your suggestion is logical and fits within your combined income limits.
    So you're home from the honeymoon, tanned and well rested...or not ;-), now that great budgeting plan kicks in. You get up, go to work, get paid, put the money in the savings account and only touch it to pay bills and then do it all over again every month. This can become a vicious cycle if you're not careful. Are you so worried about saving that you don't have room to live now? Is there space in your budget for date night, a surprise gift for the hubby, or flowers for the wifey? Is there room to wiggle? As much as I believe in saving for the future, you don't want to squeeze your money so tight that you don't enjoy your newlywed years. You should make room for little weekend getaways, or a nice restaurant every now and then and I don't mean Applebees or Chili's. This is the time to set the "sparkle" for the rest of your lives. Things can get comfortable really quick in a new marriage. You see the same person everyday, and while you made this decision when you said "I do", you have to put in the extra effort to keep things spicy. But spicy doesn't always mean expensive. There are so many ways to keep the sparks in your marriage without breaking your budget. I am a firm believer in websites like Groupon and LivingSocial where you can find great deals on restaurants, comedy shows, spas, trips and gifts. I have taken the hubby out many times to great restaurants spending as little as $25 for a three course meal, for the BOTH of us. Yes! In New York City. Therefore I know it can be done. Sometimes I just search the web for free events that are happening in the area. All it takes is a little bit of effort and Google!
     Budgets...really important for establishing good financial habits and a great step towards long term stability, however, you want to savor the now moments, revel in the present, live it up just a little, paint the town whatever color you choose, just enjoy each other while you have the chance. Remember life is short...so "Carpe Diem" with the one you love the most!!!

The Non-Traditional Wife

Every woman dreams of a man that can cook right? WRONG! I thought I was one of the lucky ones because I found a man who was an aspiring chef, but while all the other women were eyeing me with envy..I was screaming inside. Yeah, sure it was all romantic at first, him cooking gourmet meals for anniversaries, valentines days, and birthdays. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, but as we got closer to becoming engaged..it started getting to me. What was once romantic and sweet turned into annoying and frustrating. I started to question the role I played in the relationship. See I grew up watching my parents and other married couples where the women cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids and the husbands take out the garbage, mow the lawn, wash the car and so on. I began to feel a bit useless...trying to figure out what I'm going to bring to the table as a wife. Then I realized...IT"S OK!!! So what if he's going to be the one cooking most of the time....he enjoys doing it, so why make it a big deal. I'm good at other things like organizing, planning and taking care of the finances. I think we get so caught up with gender roles in relationships; the women MUST wash the clothes, the men MUST take out the garbage (I mean I would prefer not to....but if the garbage stinks are you really going to leave it there until your husband comes home?) Don't get me wrong...I'm not judging those women who wait for their husbands to do all of the "manly" jobs like change a light bulb, but it doesn't work that way in my marriage. We kicked all those societal gender roles to the curb and it works for us. We explored our different strengths and weaknesses and distinguished roles based on those things, like cooking...definitely not my strength. For the other things that may not be so complicated like washing the clothes/dishes or taking out the garbage..that's based on who is available to get it done. NOT being in the kitchen, NOT wearing an apron, and NOT cooking a meal does NOT make me less of a woman. I have other strengths and skills and I refuse to let gender roles define me. My marriage is different, unconventional...does not follow tradition and that's ok with me! Let me know how you feel about the different roles in a marriage. Do you think its important to distinguish roles? Who should be responsible for which jobs in the home? How does it work in your marriage? Do you wait until your husband gets home to fix something that's broken? Can't wait to read your comments and opinions!

Choose To Fix It!

The 30-Day Husband Challenge

Before we get into any hot topics, I think it is so important to start with this exercise. I believe this challenge will help to strengthen your bond with your husband if you stick with it for the whole 30 days. I know that seems like a long time, but I started at the beginning of this week and I can tell you that it has inspired me. I encourage you to give it a try. Just click the link below to get started.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/44256429/30-Day-Husband-Encouragement-Challenge

Welcome!!!

My husband and I have been married for 6 months and it has been awesome, but definitely not without its challenges, especially when things are not so "traditional". Nevertheless, everyday presents new surprises and new opportunities to learn more about the both of us as individuals and as a couple. Sure you think you know your partner when you're dating...but as they say, you never REALLY know someone until you live with them. However, its been an exciting journey so far. I am thrilled to begin sharing my thoughts, opinions, stories and daily experiences about this sometimes crazy, often complicated, mostly confusing yet amazing adventure called MARRIAGE! But this isn't just about me...I want to hear from you other newlyweds as well. Your stories and experiences are more than welcomed. I want to know what topics you want to explore and discuss. So feel free to post  your comments, opinions and suggestions.