Put A Lid On It!

A marriage bond is something special, sacred, like no other and from time to time this bond may get scratched, cracked and even broken. There are many things that can cause such damages to this bond, but one that I believe is so often taken for granted and not taken seriously is Privacy! No one knows the value of true privacy any more, and most of all privacy within a relationship, especially in a marriage. It's one thing for someone from the outside to be all up in your business, but when either husband or wife is the one divulging intimate details about their own marriage, this is where the duck tape comes out. Learn to put a lid on it people. There's nothing more damaging than having your business out there for others to gossip, pick at, pull apart, criticize and judge.         

I know you think it's OK to tell your family what's going on. Surely they have your best interest all the time so you have no doubts they will keep your secrets safe. The thing about family is, they are loyal, but loyalty can bring along bias and that's a problem. You tell them them about your latest fight, what he said to you, how she cursed you out, how he raised his hand at you, or how you caught her with someone else. You vent, get it off your chest and then you feel better. Couple months later, when you're over it, all is forgiven and you and your spouse have moved on, more than likely your family hasn't and they probably never will. You see, they are not in love with your husband/wife and are not so forgiving, so when they start being rude and shooting dirty looks at your partner, don't be surprised, because you were the one that gave them the ammunition.

Then you want to tell your "best friend" or "close" friends, because you trust them, right? Well, there's something my mom always use to say "friend got friend got friend", which simply means, your "best friend" probably has another "best friend" and your "close" friends have many other "close" friends. But even if your friends don't tell anyone else on purpose, accidents do happen and people slip up. Then you wonder why everyone and their grandmother knows your business....because YOU told them. 

Understand that when you spill even just a little about what's going on in your bedroom, you are including others in that bond, the bond shared between only you and your spouse. No one else! I understand you want to vent, or simply get someone else's opinion, or advice, believe me I've been there, probably gonna be there tomorrow, but that only does more harm to your marriage than good. Before you go running your mouth to someone else about your problems, try talking to your spouse first. Try to communicate with each other; talk vent, discuss, argue. Learn to express yourselves to each other instead of outside sources. However, that may not always be an option. Things may be too tense between the two of you or they simply aren't available at that moment. Then take your problems to the only other person allowed in that bond...take it to Jesus! He's always ready to listen!

No Comparison

     Why do we compare our marriages and relationships to those of others? Or as the qoute said...to those in movies. Movie relationships aren't real, they're scripted. It's possible that off screen, the two actors that were just involved in a hot and steamy make out session, dont even get along.
     Then you look at other couples around you and they look so perfect, so happy, but remember looks can be very deceiving. You don't know what's going on behind their bedroom doors and its not your business either. Your business and only concern should be what's going on behind yours.
     God wrote your love story. It's unique and special and yours. Don't expect it to be the same as your friends or any one else. So many times I've heard women gush and obsess over the details of other relationships. From the size of one woman's ring to the price of the house another couple just bought, to the luxury vacation another couple just came back from. So what if John proposed to Kate in Italy and you got your proposal at Olive Garden. So what if they live in a two story house and you and your spouse live in apartments. And who cares if John and Kate vacation in St. Barts every christmas, while you and your husband/wife never vacation outside the country. Stop comparing! Where the proposal happens, where you live and where you go or don't go for vacation does not determine the longevity of your marriage.
     Let's learn to appreciate our own stories, no matter how simple. Let's stop trying to keep up with the Jones, the Johnsons or whoever you're comparing your lives to. Instead try to follow the storyline God laid out for you. He planned everything...beginning, middle and end. Trust God...His stories are always bestsellers!

Exes...Toss or Keep?

Exes???? What role do they play in your marriage? When they enter stage left...do they turn your marriage into an off-Broadway theatrical drama filled with lies and betrayal? Or is it more of a fun and cheerful musical with tap dancing, spins and ballet pirouettes. There is an easy way to decide whether your ex has any place in your post-married life. If there is any drama with him/her in it....TOSS! However, if they aren't the catalyst for any combustible reactions in your marriage then I see no reason not to KEEP! But it should ultimatley be your decision, which of your own exes to keep or toss. But what if you realize hubby/wifey has a problem with an ex on the "keep" list. How much say do they have in that decision? How do you handle that? Do you automatically move the person to the "toss" column? Or do you ask for logical reasoning as to why you can't keep that particular ex in your life...or any ex at all for that matter?
   I don't think there is a right answer to any of those questions, because every couple is different. From my own personal experience, if my husband has a problem with an ex that is still in my life I have no problem whatsoever tossing that person, but I would want to know his reasons, just to know why he feels that way. His reasons, shallow or not, wouldn't cause me to change my mind. What makes my husband uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable. I would never put another's feelings before his. Now I am not saying that's the standard, that's how I choose to deal with it.
     But what causes your spouse to have a problem in the first place?
* Is your ex disrespectful? If so, I advise you to handle that right quick. You should NEVER allow anyone outside of your marriage to disrespect your husband/wife...don't care if it's family or friend, but definitely not an Ex!
*Are they still pinning over you, trying to win you back? Again, it's your job to let them know what the deal is. But if you're married and they still don't understand you are unavailable to them, then there should be no discussion as to whether to cut them off or not. Unless you are the one sending mixed messages. In that case, you have a much bigger problem and need to check yourself!
*Are they too flirtatious? Remember you have the power to control the nature of the conversation. If you are not comfortable with the way it's going, say so and/or change the subject. It's really that easy!
*Or was your past relationship with your ex just too intense for your spouse to be comfortable with a continued friendship? Especially when that past relationship was of a more sexual nature, it's sometime's hard for your husband/wife to feel completely comfortable knowing what you once shared together. It's very important that your spouse feels on top, sexually (no pun intended). They shouldn't feel the need to compete with an ex, maybe not physically, but mentally they want to be your number one in bed as well. The worse thing is to have your husband/wife thinking that you're putting another person's face on their body while doing the do...even putting another person's body on their body! I'm sure it happens.
     What if your ex is not the problem..what if your spouse is the insecure one? Do you put them in their place?Tell them to stop being so jealous or do you still honor their wishes and break all ties? How much should one fight to keep an ex in their life? Is it worth the fight? Is it worth your spouse's feelings? Is your friendship with an ex worth more than your marriage?
Let me know how you feel, share your opinions and comments!