I don't think there is a right answer to any of those questions, because every couple is different. From my own personal experience, if my husband has a problem with an ex that is still in my life I have no problem whatsoever tossing that person, but I would want to know his reasons, just to know why he feels that way. His reasons, shallow or not, wouldn't cause me to change my mind. What makes my husband uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable. I would never put another's feelings before his. Now I am not saying that's the standard, that's how I choose to deal with it.
But what causes your spouse to have a problem in the first place?
* Is your ex disrespectful? If so, I advise you to handle that right quick. You should NEVER allow anyone outside of your marriage to disrespect your husband/wife...don't care if it's family or friend, but definitely not an Ex!
*Are they still pinning over you, trying to win you back? Again, it's your job to let them know what the deal is. But if you're married and they still don't understand you are unavailable to them, then there should be no discussion as to whether to cut them off or not. Unless you are the one sending mixed messages. In that case, you have a much bigger problem and need to check yourself!
*Are they too flirtatious? Remember you have the power to control the nature of the conversation. If you are not comfortable with the way it's going, say so and/or change the subject. It's really that easy!
*Or was your past relationship with your ex just too intense for your spouse to be comfortable with a continued friendship? Especially when that past relationship was of a more sexual nature, it's sometime's hard for your husband/wife to feel completely comfortable knowing what you once shared together. It's very important that your spouse feels on top, sexually (no pun intended). They shouldn't feel the need to compete with an ex, maybe not physically, but mentally they want to be your number one in bed as well. The worse thing is to have your husband/wife thinking that you're putting another person's face on their body while doing the do...even putting another person's body on their body! I'm sure it happens.
What if your ex is not the problem..what if your spouse is the insecure one? Do you put them in their place?Tell them to stop being so jealous or do you still honor their wishes and break all ties? How much should one fight to keep an ex in their life? Is it worth the fight? Is it worth your spouse's feelings? Is your friendship with an ex worth more than your marriage?
Let me know how you feel, share your opinions and comments!
When you get married, you vow to forsake all others. Hopefully, when you made the decision to marry your spouse, you knew the type of person he/she was, their personality, insecurities, hang-ups, and thus, how they respond to exes in your life. Hopefully, the way they react when you're married is not a surprise, and adjustments can be made without too much drama. If you're forsaking all others, your spouse's feelings should be superior to your need for a friendship with your ex. If the friendship is more important to you than your spouse, then that decision should have been made before you got married. You can't have your cake and eat it too now. This is all in the event that your spouse's temperament remains relatively the same as when you were dating. If it is a complete flip, then you have some bargaining power. "Honey, you never let me know that this is how you felt before. What changed all of a sudden?"
ReplyDeleteI totally agree! Especially the part about "forsaking all others"... That is key! So are u saying that couples should have a discussion about the exes that are still in their lives before they get married? Should this conversation be on the list with other important things to discuss before marriage...like "if and when u will have kids", and "where you are going to live"?
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