Don't Be A Nag

Proverbs sure knows what its talking about. I wouldn't want to live with a contentious and angry woman....so why should my husband?

Come on ladies....we know we can be a bit much at times. We nit pick at every issue, we don't let anything slide or sweep anything under the rug. Everything has to be addressed, right? Well to avoid your husband packing up and moving to the wilderness, we must learn to "pick our battles". I absolutely hate that principle but it makes sense and very necessary for a good marriage. But this doesn't come easy to many women, myself included. I feel every situation should be "nipped in the bud" right away, but I had to change my approach.
I've learned that men don't like to be wrong and even more, told when they have done something wrong. So the more you tell them they're wrong, the more they get annoyed and then it sounds like we're nagging. We should try to pinpoint only the important things, not the small, trivial matters like not recapping the toothpaste. But if you have some form of OCD and that is an important matter, try a calm, friendly, non accusing approach, for example, "Hunnie, did you realize that you left the cap off the toothpaste?". By asking a question, you're bringing it to his attention rather than accusing him of doing something wrong, More than likely he didn't do it on purpose so there is no need for punishment. The same goes for matters that are more serious.
Men need a break, they can't talk forever about the same issue, whereas we can go on and on and on (I know I can). But even though we want an issue addressed, we don't want to cause our men to shut down. They may not move to the wilderness physically, but they will distance themselves emotionally and then its no telling when they will come back.
So here's a checklist to keep yourself from being a nagging wife:
1. Approach him with a calm tone
2. Don't start off with an accusation, but ask a question so he feels like its a conversation and not a lecture
3. Keep your voice level lower than his, so he doesn't feel disrespected
4. As hard as it may be, use positive language, no name calling or cursing
5. Don't interupt him when its his turn to talk, even if he does it to you
6. Try to stay seated during the discussion/argument, standing while he's seated may make him feel like he's a child being punished
7.This is the most important one....if you have been arguing for a while and there is still no solution..DROP IT...LET IT GO!!!!!! I'm not saying let it go forever, just give it a break for a while, let the tension calm down then address it a couple days or weeks later if the matter is really that pressing.
8. Lastly...kiss him goodnight. No matter how upset you are, you will be surprised how this softens his attitude and changes his perception of you, from nagging woman to loving wife.

Put A Lid On It!

A marriage bond is something special, sacred, like no other and from time to time this bond may get scratched, cracked and even broken. There are many things that can cause such damages to this bond, but one that I believe is so often taken for granted and not taken seriously is Privacy! No one knows the value of true privacy any more, and most of all privacy within a relationship, especially in a marriage. It's one thing for someone from the outside to be all up in your business, but when either husband or wife is the one divulging intimate details about their own marriage, this is where the duck tape comes out. Learn to put a lid on it people. There's nothing more damaging than having your business out there for others to gossip, pick at, pull apart, criticize and judge.         

I know you think it's OK to tell your family what's going on. Surely they have your best interest all the time so you have no doubts they will keep your secrets safe. The thing about family is, they are loyal, but loyalty can bring along bias and that's a problem. You tell them them about your latest fight, what he said to you, how she cursed you out, how he raised his hand at you, or how you caught her with someone else. You vent, get it off your chest and then you feel better. Couple months later, when you're over it, all is forgiven and you and your spouse have moved on, more than likely your family hasn't and they probably never will. You see, they are not in love with your husband/wife and are not so forgiving, so when they start being rude and shooting dirty looks at your partner, don't be surprised, because you were the one that gave them the ammunition.

Then you want to tell your "best friend" or "close" friends, because you trust them, right? Well, there's something my mom always use to say "friend got friend got friend", which simply means, your "best friend" probably has another "best friend" and your "close" friends have many other "close" friends. But even if your friends don't tell anyone else on purpose, accidents do happen and people slip up. Then you wonder why everyone and their grandmother knows your business....because YOU told them. 

Understand that when you spill even just a little about what's going on in your bedroom, you are including others in that bond, the bond shared between only you and your spouse. No one else! I understand you want to vent, or simply get someone else's opinion, or advice, believe me I've been there, probably gonna be there tomorrow, but that only does more harm to your marriage than good. Before you go running your mouth to someone else about your problems, try talking to your spouse first. Try to communicate with each other; talk vent, discuss, argue. Learn to express yourselves to each other instead of outside sources. However, that may not always be an option. Things may be too tense between the two of you or they simply aren't available at that moment. Then take your problems to the only other person allowed in that bond...take it to Jesus! He's always ready to listen!

No Comparison

     Why do we compare our marriages and relationships to those of others? Or as the qoute said...to those in movies. Movie relationships aren't real, they're scripted. It's possible that off screen, the two actors that were just involved in a hot and steamy make out session, dont even get along.
     Then you look at other couples around you and they look so perfect, so happy, but remember looks can be very deceiving. You don't know what's going on behind their bedroom doors and its not your business either. Your business and only concern should be what's going on behind yours.
     God wrote your love story. It's unique and special and yours. Don't expect it to be the same as your friends or any one else. So many times I've heard women gush and obsess over the details of other relationships. From the size of one woman's ring to the price of the house another couple just bought, to the luxury vacation another couple just came back from. So what if John proposed to Kate in Italy and you got your proposal at Olive Garden. So what if they live in a two story house and you and your spouse live in apartments. And who cares if John and Kate vacation in St. Barts every christmas, while you and your husband/wife never vacation outside the country. Stop comparing! Where the proposal happens, where you live and where you go or don't go for vacation does not determine the longevity of your marriage.
     Let's learn to appreciate our own stories, no matter how simple. Let's stop trying to keep up with the Jones, the Johnsons or whoever you're comparing your lives to. Instead try to follow the storyline God laid out for you. He planned everything...beginning, middle and end. Trust God...His stories are always bestsellers!

Exes...Toss or Keep?

Exes???? What role do they play in your marriage? When they enter stage left...do they turn your marriage into an off-Broadway theatrical drama filled with lies and betrayal? Or is it more of a fun and cheerful musical with tap dancing, spins and ballet pirouettes. There is an easy way to decide whether your ex has any place in your post-married life. If there is any drama with him/her in it....TOSS! However, if they aren't the catalyst for any combustible reactions in your marriage then I see no reason not to KEEP! But it should ultimatley be your decision, which of your own exes to keep or toss. But what if you realize hubby/wifey has a problem with an ex on the "keep" list. How much say do they have in that decision? How do you handle that? Do you automatically move the person to the "toss" column? Or do you ask for logical reasoning as to why you can't keep that particular ex in your life...or any ex at all for that matter?
   I don't think there is a right answer to any of those questions, because every couple is different. From my own personal experience, if my husband has a problem with an ex that is still in my life I have no problem whatsoever tossing that person, but I would want to know his reasons, just to know why he feels that way. His reasons, shallow or not, wouldn't cause me to change my mind. What makes my husband uncomfortable, makes me uncomfortable. I would never put another's feelings before his. Now I am not saying that's the standard, that's how I choose to deal with it.
     But what causes your spouse to have a problem in the first place?
* Is your ex disrespectful? If so, I advise you to handle that right quick. You should NEVER allow anyone outside of your marriage to disrespect your husband/wife...don't care if it's family or friend, but definitely not an Ex!
*Are they still pinning over you, trying to win you back? Again, it's your job to let them know what the deal is. But if you're married and they still don't understand you are unavailable to them, then there should be no discussion as to whether to cut them off or not. Unless you are the one sending mixed messages. In that case, you have a much bigger problem and need to check yourself!
*Are they too flirtatious? Remember you have the power to control the nature of the conversation. If you are not comfortable with the way it's going, say so and/or change the subject. It's really that easy!
*Or was your past relationship with your ex just too intense for your spouse to be comfortable with a continued friendship? Especially when that past relationship was of a more sexual nature, it's sometime's hard for your husband/wife to feel completely comfortable knowing what you once shared together. It's very important that your spouse feels on top, sexually (no pun intended). They shouldn't feel the need to compete with an ex, maybe not physically, but mentally they want to be your number one in bed as well. The worse thing is to have your husband/wife thinking that you're putting another person's face on their body while doing the do...even putting another person's body on their body! I'm sure it happens.
     What if your ex is not the problem..what if your spouse is the insecure one? Do you put them in their place?Tell them to stop being so jealous or do you still honor their wishes and break all ties? How much should one fight to keep an ex in their life? Is it worth the fight? Is it worth your spouse's feelings? Is your friendship with an ex worth more than your marriage?
Let me know how you feel, share your opinions and comments!

"Not Married, Not Single"

     While reading the latest issue of Essence magazine (the one with Tyler Perry on the cover..he takes such nice pictures...anyway) I came across an intriguing article. The title snatched my attention right away, "Not Married, Not Single." and as soon as i read it...I was like, "what's up with that? what does that even mean?" So I began the article and the more I read the more my eyes started to widen with disbelief. The author, Kevin Noble Maillard, a professor of law at Syracuse University,   explains how "it's time to rethink what makes a committed relationship and a happy family". He expresses that he is in a committed relationship with a woman, they have lived together for years and are raising a child together, but have no plans now or anytime in the future to get married. He says that according to society his child is "illegitimate". He goes on to say that "my girlfriend and I don't have the piece of paper that makes the world recognize our relationship as stable or permanent. But so what? Being unmarried doesn't mean being alone...we don't need a license from the state to prove our commitment or to gain respect". He then states "I want living together to be taken seriously, and I want ways other than a wedding to 'seal the deal'". He goes on to say "many books claim that marriage improves our lives and make us better people. We'd all like to have a Tinker Bell wave her wand and give us more money, make us happier and make our children smarter, but it's not going to come automatically from jumping brooms and tossing garters". One of his quotes that really caused me to ponder was " marriage will not bring fathers home anymore than fatherhood brings about marriage." He also believes that "unmarried people have fruitful relationships and strong families, but society always wants something more from us...we want our families to feel empowered, included and valued". Finally, his main point for the whole article was that "we should celebrate the families that exist before us rather than reprimand people for 'shacking  up'".
        I am married, so you would think my opinion on this matter would be obvious, but not necessarily. While I do indeed disagree with the author, don't expect every married person to automatically disagree. Some people believe that just because something works for them doesn't mean it works for everyone else...namely marriage. I agree with that also...marriage isn't for everyone. The confusion comes when someone says "marriage isn't for me", yet they live with their partner, have sex, have kids, buy a house, drive each other's cars, use each other as emergency contacts, include each other on their health insurance and name each other as the beneficiary on life insurance policies.. They do all of that but refuse to be apart of an institution that believes in the very same things. Could it be a blatant rebellion against social conformity? When did marriage become more of a social obligation rather than a divine and sacred commitment? Has our generation downgraded the true meaning of marriage?
What do you think? Share your comments and opinions.

God's Humor!

OverFixed Budget

     Unless you got married in your late 30's with 10 years of savings, a young millionaire or you married a millionaire...you and your spouse have probably planned out a budget. You think you are so organized, setting aside this amount for groceries, making sure your cable and electricity bills are pinned down, OH! and don't forget car payments insurance. Wow... I almost forget RENT or mortgage, which ever one applies to you, its due every month. So your budget is set and fixed. But I'm wondering if it's too tight? Did you both agree on the parameters of the budget? Did you think the grocery amount should have been higher, yet hubby thinks it's just enough for the two of you? It is so important that you both agree or at least come to some sort of compromise on the details of the budget. Make sure there is a good reason behind why you chose a certain amount. Don't just say $600 for groceries a month just because you want it that way. Be certain that your suggestion is logical and fits within your combined income limits.
    So you're home from the honeymoon, tanned and well rested...or not ;-), now that great budgeting plan kicks in. You get up, go to work, get paid, put the money in the savings account and only touch it to pay bills and then do it all over again every month. This can become a vicious cycle if you're not careful. Are you so worried about saving that you don't have room to live now? Is there space in your budget for date night, a surprise gift for the hubby, or flowers for the wifey? Is there room to wiggle? As much as I believe in saving for the future, you don't want to squeeze your money so tight that you don't enjoy your newlywed years. You should make room for little weekend getaways, or a nice restaurant every now and then and I don't mean Applebees or Chili's. This is the time to set the "sparkle" for the rest of your lives. Things can get comfortable really quick in a new marriage. You see the same person everyday, and while you made this decision when you said "I do", you have to put in the extra effort to keep things spicy. But spicy doesn't always mean expensive. There are so many ways to keep the sparks in your marriage without breaking your budget. I am a firm believer in websites like Groupon and LivingSocial where you can find great deals on restaurants, comedy shows, spas, trips and gifts. I have taken the hubby out many times to great restaurants spending as little as $25 for a three course meal, for the BOTH of us. Yes! In New York City. Therefore I know it can be done. Sometimes I just search the web for free events that are happening in the area. All it takes is a little bit of effort and Google!
     Budgets...really important for establishing good financial habits and a great step towards long term stability, however, you want to savor the now moments, revel in the present, live it up just a little, paint the town whatever color you choose, just enjoy each other while you have the chance. Remember life is short...so "Carpe Diem" with the one you love the most!!!

The Non-Traditional Wife

Every woman dreams of a man that can cook right? WRONG! I thought I was one of the lucky ones because I found a man who was an aspiring chef, but while all the other women were eyeing me with envy..I was screaming inside. Yeah, sure it was all romantic at first, him cooking gourmet meals for anniversaries, valentines days, and birthdays. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, but as we got closer to becoming engaged..it started getting to me. What was once romantic and sweet turned into annoying and frustrating. I started to question the role I played in the relationship. See I grew up watching my parents and other married couples where the women cooked, cleaned and took care of the kids and the husbands take out the garbage, mow the lawn, wash the car and so on. I began to feel a bit useless...trying to figure out what I'm going to bring to the table as a wife. Then I realized...IT"S OK!!! So what if he's going to be the one cooking most of the time....he enjoys doing it, so why make it a big deal. I'm good at other things like organizing, planning and taking care of the finances. I think we get so caught up with gender roles in relationships; the women MUST wash the clothes, the men MUST take out the garbage (I mean I would prefer not to....but if the garbage stinks are you really going to leave it there until your husband comes home?) Don't get me wrong...I'm not judging those women who wait for their husbands to do all of the "manly" jobs like change a light bulb, but it doesn't work that way in my marriage. We kicked all those societal gender roles to the curb and it works for us. We explored our different strengths and weaknesses and distinguished roles based on those things, like cooking...definitely not my strength. For the other things that may not be so complicated like washing the clothes/dishes or taking out the garbage..that's based on who is available to get it done. NOT being in the kitchen, NOT wearing an apron, and NOT cooking a meal does NOT make me less of a woman. I have other strengths and skills and I refuse to let gender roles define me. My marriage is different, unconventional...does not follow tradition and that's ok with me! Let me know how you feel about the different roles in a marriage. Do you think its important to distinguish roles? Who should be responsible for which jobs in the home? How does it work in your marriage? Do you wait until your husband gets home to fix something that's broken? Can't wait to read your comments and opinions!

Choose To Fix It!

The 30-Day Husband Challenge

Before we get into any hot topics, I think it is so important to start with this exercise. I believe this challenge will help to strengthen your bond with your husband if you stick with it for the whole 30 days. I know that seems like a long time, but I started at the beginning of this week and I can tell you that it has inspired me. I encourage you to give it a try. Just click the link below to get started.

http://www.scribd.com/doc/44256429/30-Day-Husband-Encouragement-Challenge

Welcome!!!

My husband and I have been married for 6 months and it has been awesome, but definitely not without its challenges, especially when things are not so "traditional". Nevertheless, everyday presents new surprises and new opportunities to learn more about the both of us as individuals and as a couple. Sure you think you know your partner when you're dating...but as they say, you never REALLY know someone until you live with them. However, its been an exciting journey so far. I am thrilled to begin sharing my thoughts, opinions, stories and daily experiences about this sometimes crazy, often complicated, mostly confusing yet amazing adventure called MARRIAGE! But this isn't just about me...I want to hear from you other newlyweds as well. Your stories and experiences are more than welcomed. I want to know what topics you want to explore and discuss. So feel free to post  your comments, opinions and suggestions.